Clarity

Breezes blow waves of clarity into my life through each coming experience. Whether that be through relationship, work, school, play, or personal practice, I’ve begun to find clarity not only in what I am looking for, but also with what I am doing… and even more deeply – Who I Am. Half a year flies by in no time and yet can be so fully packed with experience – each moment, each soul, each miracle. I’m breaking down and building up all parts of myself, continuously transforming more and more into a higher potential of me, all the while doing my best to be mindful and aware.

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In all honesty, life since Maui has brought so many challenges in ways that I never dreamed I would experience. Broken hearts,  death, loss of friendship, and loss of a sense of community have brought more stress to my physical body than I feel it can almost hold sometimes. Feeling so deeply into small experiences may bring great opportunities to learn from small things, but when deeper challenges enter the picture, it can be easy to feel fragile again. All the while my mind is saying “but this was supposed to be my badass year!”… oh, but there is always grace that holds presence within my soul to nurture that sensitive ego. I’ve honestly never seen myself as a particularly strong person. I’ve always been so “pretty” and “sweet” and “innocent” and “naive”… none of which are very empowering… nice, but definitely not badass descriptions. This last period in my life has felt like a bit of a rough start to a new beginning, a feeling that I’m burning and collecting ashes as I go… waiting for my inner phoenix to arise when she’s ready. Looking back it’s the ashes that make us strong, the scars from burning, and the realization that it is in OUR power to rise above and fly. Yes, I am soaring with wings of fire – always changing and moving to new heights as I learn to relinquish the ashes of my past self. Fire is a beautifully present element teaching us how to stand in our true authenticity in each present moment. So as I stand burning in every moment, I too learn to surrender and relinquish my illusory control over the environment. I bring flow into the picture, like a river teaching me to accept each moment as it is and not judge. Even when I’ve lost the love of my life, or lost the greatest example in my family of one who embodied joy and surrender in every moment… I can still be present with whatever arises in pain and in gratitude.

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There’s something in the world to be said about truth. Our truth is often what we first ask for clarity within. And still there are so many discrepancies and chaos in the world over “conflicting truths”… the present moment, however, will always in stillness birth a deeper truth and knowing. In my experience, truth continues to unravel often times even more clearly through the pain, through that contrast. Sometimes it’s easier to see more clearly what we’re not before we able to realize what we are. For me, it feels deeply that I am everything and nothing simultaneously, but when I am in the stillness of the presence of God, I do feel that spark inside my heart – the light giving life to this body and to this reality. It is love experiencing itself in many forms, and learning to grow brighter with every experience that tests its power and validity in this reality. It is always the silent observer nourishing every moment that I am experiencing in this body – honoring the craziness of the mind and limitations of the body while peacefully infinite within. Dropping into this space always reminds me of Who I Am and why I’m here – easing my nerves that love to churn with worry, all the while knowing deep down that all of this is happening for a reason and has already happened and will always be happening… My truth then becomes clear and clearly infinite.

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For now, life will continue to be a fiery roller coaster as I continuously learn more about presence and stepping into that full blown potential. Metamorphosis  is the theme these days. Here I am… rising from the ashes.

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These Are The Better Days

Heartbreak. Let’s talk about heartbreak, as I’ve recently just experienced it for the first time ever in my life. And my goodness has it been a journey! … I love relationships! I think they bring an opportunity for growth like nothing else in this world can… to learn how to love and be loved in return. Relationships become that mirror to reveal to us our greatest strengths and weaknesses, our deepest loves and fears, and ultimately Who We Are, but also who we’re not.

My most recent experience can be described as nothing less than magical or even perfection, in my opinion. Still, this experience lead to heartbreak… which on a soul level, was every part of the agreement made in the stillness of the presence of God. Heartbreak is inevitable when one who doesn’t know how to love is placed with one who doesn’t know how not to love. The love would never be mutual, nor equally yoked… it was maybe impossible given the timing of each of our personal growth points. Never-the-less my love for him, reflecting that deeper love towards myself, sought validation within the relationship.  There’s something so beautiful in a moment shared between two when love in not just reciprocated nor mutual, but when it becomes what is: Who We Are – and we get to see That Love within each Other… so that not only now I Am Love, but We Are Love. And We Are Love Together. Alas, for me I got the invalidation, the mirror of Who I am not – Am I Love? The shattering of my heart, breaking down that love and many, many other parts of myself  left me at a pretty low place… one I’d never thought I’d visit. And yet in that space, that darkness, I was called to find my own strength through Christ, through God, and through myself (my soul) to Be my own validation of Love.

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Miracles are everywhere. Truly! But… they are sometimes especially noticeable in the stillness and quiet of God. It took me being forced to reflect, to have insurmountable time only to myself to sit still and Be with God to overcome my heartbreak. This is another one of my moments… hard to describe but always a reminder of Who I Am, Who We Are, and why we’re here… it got me crying and laughing until well after midnight… simply hours of basking in this light and love: This is Love for myself. It was finally a time to process everything, to sit with myself body-mind-soul and simply feel absolute Love, Respect, Honor, and shear Gratitude for myself and my life … every experience and every innate part of myself. And in that lightness and stillness, I could feel my heart becoming whole again: but much stronger this time, much brighter. For now I know how to Love myself more deeply than I’ve ever known. It was like relinquishing my will for Christ’s will, and a relinquishing of myself for Him. Forever His Love will be instilled in me… and now even more deeply and truly more present.

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Yes, These are the better days. For me, these are now the days where love will prosper more deeply, more presently than ever before. I can appreciate a whole heart now, having had it shattered, and now share my antidote to others suffering from broken hearts: Love yourself the way Christ Loves you and even more than you think you can. I am still brilliantly laughing through my daily experiences. My heart is Whole again! Forevermore, I will continue to choose Love wherever it may be and in whatever form it comes.. for now this is a reflection of everything that I am. Love is Who We Are and validating that for yourself is probably more enriching than having anyone else do that for you!

Through the Infinite Tunnel

Is it really December already? These past few months have both flown by and dragged by in certain instances. It is only recently that I’ve gained clarity on my reality enough to write. These last few months have been a whirlwind of challenges and choices in every given moment.

Looking back on this semester, I feel like I’ve failed in one perspective and succeeded in another. In many ways, I have consistently failed to choose light, and yet in choosing darkness and walking through that, I have gained a deeper light with greater understanding. In the end, success comes in growth in whatever way that may be.

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So… let’s talk about darkness…. now that I’ve gotten to know a little more of what that feels like. Darkness is all an illusion, and yet still a beautiful one that is here to teach us, to show us what we’re not so that we can more deeply know Who We Truly Are. I’ve found that the Law of Attraction works in all ways, that if I live my life fearing an outcome that that outcome is just as powerful as if I were to live my life loving an outcome. It is up to us to choose which experience we’d rather have. And just like the universe spirals, my life has spiraled: but this time not just up or down but both. I feel like I seem to have expanded my consciousness in all directions and been given the perspective of GOD, yes timelessness and spaceless-ness. There are no words for these experiences, but each time I am brought to tears and down on my knees if not my whole body. If I could share with the world one thing from this it is just HOW BEAUTIFUL ONENESS IS.  We are such small and yet such infinite beings through spirit, and yes even our very bodies are infinite. Both darkness and light, yes of the earth and of heaven, we live each day without awareness, but with awareness at the potential of each breath. How beautiful it is to be able to feel so deeply: sorrow, joy, pain, peace, anger, gratitude, fear, Love…. how beautiful when at one point they all just merge and suddenly We just Are. I am no longer separate from any person or anything, no longer separate from any experience but just being one with all. And this journey has brought so much COMPASSION… beyond anything. I feel compassion for my experience and for our human experience. And then it all just seems so silly: how much pain and drama we put ourselves through each day. We believe that every little setback could incur the end of our world… and in a way it will. Every setback and challenge creates potential for growth and change. When our reality changes, or shifts, then our previous reality becomes void – yes, the end of that world as we knew it before. But the thing is, is that change is nothing to fear. If we fear change, then we live our whole lives with a foundation of fear, because change is always constant in this world. Change is a beautiful thing, and with our own free will to choose love and the direction at which we wish to perceive each change and each challenge, we can make our reality the dream we’ve always hoped for.

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For now, I am always living the dream, through the pain and the sorrow, I am ALWAYS 100% also experiencing at least gratitude for that experience if not also love and joy. Through darkness, I still choose to be content in the space I’m in, and to strive each time to choose Love. Especially when darkness seems on the verge of overtaking me, I will always choose love and that illusion then has no power over me at all. I am essentially then brought to clarity and to the heart of Who I Am, and the Heart of Who We All Are: God.

Peace and Blessing to you all! We’ve got this: CHOOSE LOVE… it only takes this moment.

All We Have Is This Moment

“All we have is this moment to be Everything that We Are.” This is the voice that has been playing over and over again in my head these past few weeks. All I have is now to choose Christ, or to choose to move through this moment of sadness, or conquer this fear, or to take care of my body, or to even choose me over everyone else’s expectations of me. What can I do in this moment to encompass the highest potential for me in this reality right now? And no, that may not be Jesus standards in every moment. Sometimes everything that I am in one moment is more sadness than joy, and in others more love than fear. Whatever it is, breathing into it, embracing it, loving THIS moment… it’s all that I can do and all that I want to do.

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Life is certainly more challenging now than it has been in a while, and especially compared to the heavenly states of Maui. I’ve been brought through more doubt and avoidances in the past two weeks than I have in a year. Stepping into my twenties has completely shifted my reality yet again. I do feel a little older, and more in this world – in a good, but completely new way. There is a new sense of heaviness and yet still absence somewhere deep inside. That may be me, and it may be a reflection of the current state of the world, or a little bit of both. I feel like we’re all kind of in this funk where all previous expectations or cognitions about what life would be like now are thrown out the door. Nothing ended up being what we thought it would, and probably never will be. So there is this lesson coming through that we know so little. We know nothing, and we have to surrender that up. I know nothing, and that’s okay. I’m seeing a pattern here… Middle ground. This time middle ground is a little lighter, a little more comfortable because it’s all too familiar. Opening my heart to a space of gratitude to this emptiness, this nothingness so that I can know everythingness again, is my current journey.

And then the moment comes again. At the same time that I accept that nothingness is a part of my current reality, and breathe into it, I feel everything coming back. Nothing becomes everything and everything nothing. Everything just is. Beautiful. Magical. Joyful. Sad. Light. Dark. And everything in between. I am one again with all that is, and now even all that isn’t. Returning to this moment… we only have this moment to be everything that we are, but also to sometimes experience nothing that we are. When we experience what we’re not, we have a deeper appreciation for what we are, who we are. This journey into nothing, feeling empty… like a vessel walking around but absent from all… has brought me an amazing realization about the universe, encompassing everythingness and infinity of it all. We are so much more than we think we are and still, yet nothing in comparison to the infinite expanse of the universe, of God’s majesty.

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Spirit brings us our greatest potential in every moment. So, listen! What are you feeling led to do? What’s been on your heart lately? Awaken your heart by listening! It’s likely that it’s been screaming for a while now with no one to hear the message that it brings. These moments of opening inspire miracles within our lives. When we finally listen and then proceed to act on what our heart speaks of, what Spirit speaks to us through our hearts, we find that we become Everything that We Are in this moment. And that’s all that matters. At least for now… ♥

New Spaces ~ New Cases

Wow! Has it really been 3 weeks since I left Maui? My life has moved beyond itself, it seems, over and over again. The challenges that lie ahead are still tremendous, and yet I feel more present than I ever have, even in moments when I would have normally rather not have been. In many ways, life feels to me like I am flying by the seat of my pants… constantly. However, it is this state of living that brings me to rely even more deeply on each present moment. If I think about what I need to do today, I can manage… and maybe even tomorrow. Once I start to plan my life weeks or months in advance however, things start to shake a little. Before Maui, or even my freshman year of college, planning months in advance seemed like a piece of cake… now however, I can only seem to be absorbed in this moment with complete trust that the future will unravel perfectly with prompt preparation and inspiration from God.

I recently spent a week in Las Vegas with a group of beautiful people and beautiful souls! This experience has brought me even more solidly into who I am and what I am doing in life for sure! Precious and transformational moments have really opened more cavities within my body, mind, and soul to shear gratitude and love for all that Life, all that God offers each of us. Random miracles are brought in to play at the perfect time and perfect place to create a literally perfect moment. I am beyond grateful. The strange paradox that Vegas offered my Maui experience was perfect. It brought me to an even greater space of love, in ways that I thought the experience never could. Bringing these experiences back to Texas with me, and soon to North Carolina is certainly a bit of a challenge. I find myself in a massive reflection period as I prepare my life to shoot off again soon into even newer spaces…

How can I really walk within a Maui Space without actually being there? Only through Christ, who walks with me constantly, will I be able to bring grace with me wherever I go. It’s massive movement time – time to shift my past reality to match my current vibration. I suppose that doing so in love and in gratitude will get me there, however my thoughts can’t seem but to rest in the past as my past experiences are all I know thus far. It is a constant practice of releasing some of these memories and cognitions to prepare myself for this moment and future moments. It doesn’t usually end well to walk forward while looking back… So as I turn my head to face forward and my heart to Be Still and Know that This Is It, I hope for a new foundation of peace. Trusting that all is well and all will be well is rarely an end-all-be-all. It is a daily practice; each moment speaks for itself. And the voice is constant… “I only have This Moment… to just be… to do… to stand in all that I am” – in peace, in light, and ultimately in Love. I am soaking up life on the daily. ♥

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Peace, Love, and Musical Dreams

Love and gratitude overflow my heart  as I realize that I have only one week left in Maui. This journey has been amazingly incredible, and I am beyond grateful for the amazing support, nourishment, education, and love of my new spirit family in this journey. The journey will never truly end however, but my time in Maui will. It is time to face the “real world” again, and leave this little piece of heaven with a new sense of ground, power, and true potential. My journey here has been a lot about understanding intense dynamics but also stepping into myself and into my voice.

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They say to me “the voice of an angel,” and while that might be true, I am still overcoming my biggest fear and embracing my greatest love: singing. It’s something that I hope to bring to the world to lift the universal spirit into greater lightness – but it’s also my deepest fear. Voices almost constantly saying “I’ll never be good enough.. to stand out and make a difference… I can’t… I hate the sound of my voice, despite the love others seem to have for it… I don’t sound as good as [list A-Z of people “better” and more vocally successful]…” And anyone would tell me that I’m crazy to have such thoughts. Still while I am completely aware that these thoughts are totally ego driven, the fear persists in many cases. My journey uphill past my own fears is truly amazing still! The testimonies of how my voice has impacted the lives of others is truly encouraging and has honestly brought me to tears and down on my knees. Singing – and not just singing but FEELING the angels move THROUGH me as I do so – is the MOST amazing and uplifting feeling. It brings me to higher vibrations along with those who listen. I am truly blessed with this beautiful gift and am beyond myself with gratitude and humility for this life and this body. Vocal toning and singing prayers feels different than classical singing for sure… and maybe there is something ancient in it.

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My past singing experience goes a fairly long way. I have been in chorus ever since I had the opportunity to join at age 10 and began voice lessons then. There have definitely been a few blows to my self-esteem in this area of performing and performances. Contrary to what other people may say, it is not always the easiest thing to pick yourself back up and try again as if nothing happened. Let’s call it PTSD from failed (in my eyes) performances. Now it seems so silly to have made such a big deal out of little mistakes or ugly sounds. I fully believe that every moment and every event happens for a reason. I have learned how to better handle and overcome my nerves with these moments of embarrassment, and also how to more deeply appreciate the flawless moments. My past experience has certainly prepped me for this moment of discovery in Maui. I had so easily denied myself that pathway of music because traditionally the music industry is SO competitive. All I’ve ever heard is how hard it is to really make it in that industry – at least in a way that would reach millions and millions of people to touch their hearts and carry them forth onto a new journey. And with reason – my voice is not in the low or belting range at all – I denied myself that particular path. Still, keeping with my own philosophy that nothing is impossible, I have finally realized that of course God would call me to do something that totally freaks me out more than anything but simultaneously brings me the most peace, the most love, and the most joy: sweet music.

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Maui has answered prayer upon prayer upon prayer. How, how, how can I bring to the world what I came here to bring? What is the gift that I have to offer people and the earth? The gift of sacred song… the gift of remembering Who We Are through the sweet sound of music and beautiful tones. And for now, that gift is enough. Presence and song. I hope to be that reflection of God so that others can see that they can do it, too! We can all BE with God in every moment even on this earth! We can all reflect that light and step into a space of higher divine Love. It is truly simply a choice – to release all the heaviness and join the lightness: a beautiful balance between heaven and earth! I promise that it’s lots of fun! If we step into that space of Love ourselves, then we bring heaven to earth and suddenly heaven on earth is totally possible and totally reachable. Really allowing ourselves to step into the example that Christ set for us, for He brought us closer to heaven, will bring our own worlds closer to heaven, closer to true peace. World Peace, Here We Come! And we’re bringing beautiful music with us, too!

Walking Through Worlds

Things are slowing down in Maui. I am finding that I spend more moments in gratitude, and those moments are like frozen time… it all lasts longer that way. Still, with more time to breathe deep into my own experience and growth, I find that I am walking through worlds. There are so many worlds, so many realities, that we each create within our space and time here. It’s quite the adventure in discovering what new worlds I’ve created whether it be past, present, future, or a mix of it all.

My most recent endeavors have been to face my demons head on. It seems like a super scary walk, but I can pretty much assure you that when you are ready to actually do this, there will be so much light within and around you, that it won’t be nearly as scary as you think. I realized when emerged in the journey that I had totally overdramatized this walk with my demons beforehand to way out of proportion (just like I generally overdramatize everything… thank you, ego). I have learned that demons serve a purpose in this world of duality. They serve to show us who we are not. Ego has a right to be scared, but not to blow things out of proportion. We cannot truly and deeply become something that we are not without some kind of divine intervention and agreement, which is probably super rare. Still, it’s pretty amazing what happens when a flame is brought into a dark room, or when an angel walks into a crowd of demons. My team and I totally conquered this walk of facing my own demons. Ten total dark moments, twelve moments overall… and I feel new again! In my peaceful fire self, I came to understand how darkness serves a purpose in my life, but also how I was ready to move on… always into a greater light. All of these attachments needed to leave my space, and to do so I had to look directly into them to see the truth of each entity. Dark things like to hide however and can definitely be deceptive, but my own light brought perfect clarity into the chaos of darkness. To elaborate on darkness and demons, I must say that the concept seems abstract. What I really mean is simply the fear, anger, resentment, grief, pain, separation, loss, confusion, hate, judgement, and other heavy feelings that have been personified and come to weigh on me in everyday life or have done so in the past. These sort of pain bodies, like gripping fear, not only stick within my mind and aura, but also within my body the more the feeling intensifies and sticks (as in “I haven’t Let it go yet” so it’s here to stay). My own Love and Light through the support of God has truly gotten me through my darker moments in life that have stayed with me. This recent journey proved to be intense and scary and beautiful all at the same time. In conquering these testing moments with darkness by allowing truth, acceptance, and love to set each piece free, I’ve found that my soul has expanded even farther beyond my larger dreams. I am a bigger and brighter light than I was before! Yay! Success Part <insert random number because I haven’t honestly been counting> Accomplished!

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Beyond dark and scary things that prove to be amazing lessons, there are also REALLY fun worlds created through the imagination… or created through intuition. (I’m beginning to realize that I am both “making it all up” and “not making any of it up” at the same time.) To begin, there is always fairy worlds… made up of the guardians of Mother Earth… This is a super magical place! There’s also homes of the angels… I love spending time there! Sometimes I just like to daydream… of flying and maybe even falling into cotton candy clouds! Such sweetness! My personal world includes lots of lavender of course, and smells amazing! I am making it all up and yet in that, it becomes real – at least to me – and that’s what makes it special. These moments of creation, of dreaming, can come as a HUGE stress reliever and also as a way to creatively express yourself. I can go to any one of my worlds and begin to write, sing, dance, and pretend play there and bring some of that creation here through a tune or a poem or a painting. It’s really pretty amazing and beautiful. As adults we TOTALLY forget about how fun make-believe can be… and also how real it can seem and maybe even is… Coming into your own intuition can be quite the game of questions. It’s a lot of “I really feel like… but I don’t know if I’m making it up or not.” In a way, we all make up everything in our lives through our perspective on each situation, so why not pick a more magical set of lenses? Life has SO much to offer both in this world and in others that connect all here into this one moment given to each of us.

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Finding balance between light and dark, I think, is one of the most important things in life and daily life. I can both fly with angels and delve into my demons in any moment without fear. Everything is here to teach us to become greater lights whether it be by example or by non-example. We just have to live every moment as a moment in a space of open balance. In balance,  or neutrality, we experience essentially Who We Are… everything and nothing simultaneously.