They say that the person who feels like home will be the one you reside with forever, and I can attest that home is a nice, warm, cozy place to be. He felt like the sun, and I the moon called to reflect the light of his soul back to him. A cataclysm of events unravelled when he found me, most of them being a thousand inner journeys within each moment as I was pulled to the extremities of my emotional field on either side. It was going to be a karmic journey: beautiful, painful, confusing, and deeply moving in the end.
Yet who knew that the one who would essentially initiate me into my own womanhood, would simultaneously rob me of it? And still now, I can feel my passion to inspire women grow deeper as I begin to learn from the greater female pain body. My thoughts race as I continuously make up stories in my head of interpretations of events that unravelled. It felt unfair. I felt objectified, hurt, and utterly stupid. And still, it seems that while society may scold me for not “knowing” to avoid the situation, I had no prior experience dealing with people who would have intentions that were not for the best of both parties. I had only hope and faith in the best of people then, and was blind to experience their dark side. And honestly, I still deeply feel that when we choose to see the best in people, that we open that potential for them to step into a little bit more within themselves, even if they don’t see it. We can remind each other of the light that we are by not only being it, but also by acknowledging that presence in others. That is what I’d hoped to give him, a brilliant soul dulled by the walls and rules of society. His reality within himself was too dark and stubborn to choose a lighter reality, but maybe a glimpse was given… the inner light however must match the darkness, as is the way and balance of the universe often.
Relationships have a way of bringing up all of our old insecurities and fears, in a way that we had never known before. Through this process, I have had to learn to trust more deeply, and give myself unconditionally to God. I was never able to receive validation or closure for that relationship from him, and so once again I fall on Spirit to wash away my tears and bring me peace and clarity in the end. This time around it is not necessarily love that was lost, but personal power that was taken… and having to find that power even more deeply within myself is the current journey. Misogyny comes in many forms to strip the power of Who We Are as Women in this world, but we are Creators none-the-less. It’s funny how my journey to come closer to the Divine Mother in these last few months has uncovered this realization of my experience. I am beginning to understand Her and Her within Me more deeply. And as this relationship is built, I always find myself in tears – as if remembering a part of myself long forgotten… and it is this relationship through which also my power is rebuilt within the core of every cell and strand of DNA in my body. We are Women. Woman. Womyn.
Coming from a place of completeness within is the best starting place for relationships, but isn’t aways the journey that we actually end up taking. I would like to think that healing every hole created in my heart would make a deeper space that is ready to experience true love, rather than creating walls to experience a lesser love as often happens over time. For now, I am finding that peaceful time with myself and with God is everything. Temperance also comes to mind around this time, as I find myself resisting the urge to avoid my problems or avoid the feeling of lack that comes up every so often. Wholeness comes from gratitude, gratitude, Gratitude! Forgiveness and grace with myself and with all previous encounters with beautiful people is paramount for this season. And for this… hint* the key is to end up feeling like forgiveness was never necessary in the first place. Gratitude is all that will fill that space.
In the end, I return full circle in gratitude for my pain and pleasure, for every relationship, and for the one who felt like home. Life is a beautiful mess sometimes. Organized chaos. All together… Lovely. ♥