Breezes blow waves of clarity into my life through each coming experience. Whether that be through relationship, work, school, play, or personal practice, I’ve begun to find clarity not only in what I am looking for, but also with what I am doing… and even more deeply – Who I Am. Half a year flies by in no time and yet can be so fully packed with experience – each moment, each soul, each miracle. I’m breaking down and building up all parts of myself, continuously transforming more and more into a higher potential of me, all the while doing my best to be mindful and aware.
In all honesty, life since Maui has brought so many challenges in ways that I never dreamed I would experience. Broken hearts, death, loss of friendship, and loss of a sense of community have brought more stress to my physical body than I feel it can almost hold sometimes. Feeling so deeply into small experiences may bring great opportunities to learn from small things, but when deeper challenges enter the picture, it can be easy to feel fragile again. All the while my mind is saying “but this was supposed to be my badass year!”… oh, but there is always grace that holds presence within my soul to nurture that sensitive ego. I’ve honestly never seen myself as a particularly strong person. I’ve always been so “pretty” and “sweet” and “innocent” and “naive”… none of which are very empowering… nice, but definitely not badass descriptions. This last period in my life has felt like a bit of a rough start to a new beginning, a feeling that I’m burning and collecting ashes as I go… waiting for my inner phoenix to arise when she’s ready. Looking back it’s the ashes that make us strong, the scars from burning, and the realization that it is in OUR power to rise above and fly. Yes, I am soaring with wings of fire – always changing and moving to new heights as I learn to relinquish the ashes of my past self. Fire is a beautifully present element teaching us how to stand in our true authenticity in each present moment. So as I stand burning in every moment, I too learn to surrender and relinquish my illusory control over the environment. I bring flow into the picture, like a river teaching me to accept each moment as it is and not judge. Even when I’ve lost the love of my life, or lost the greatest example in my family of one who embodied joy and surrender in every moment… I can still be present with whatever arises in pain and in gratitude.
There’s something in the world to be said about truth. Our truth is often what we first ask for clarity within. And still there are so many discrepancies and chaos in the world over “conflicting truths”… the present moment, however, will always in stillness birth a deeper truth and knowing. In my experience, truth continues to unravel often times even more clearly through the pain, through that contrast. Sometimes it’s easier to see more clearly what we’re not before we able to realize what we are. For me, it feels deeply that I am everything and nothing simultaneously, but when I am in the stillness of the presence of God, I do feel that spark inside my heart – the light giving life to this body and to this reality. It is love experiencing itself in many forms, and learning to grow brighter with every experience that tests its power and validity in this reality. It is always the silent observer nourishing every moment that I am experiencing in this body – honoring the craziness of the mind and limitations of the body while peacefully infinite within. Dropping into this space always reminds me of Who I Am and why I’m here – easing my nerves that love to churn with worry, all the while knowing deep down that all of this is happening for a reason and has already happened and will always be happening… My truth then becomes clear and clearly infinite.
For now, life will continue to be a fiery roller coaster as I continuously learn more about presence and stepping into that full blown potential. Metamorphosis is the theme these days. Here I am… rising from the ashes.